signs

so i find myself getting into a relationship. i dont know if im getting ahead of myself. but its so funny how things turned out. i know i shouldnt be in a relationship but i thought i had like someone, and i had made dinner and he didn't show up so i invited someone over. and then this someone and i were together the next day and he seems very sweet and cute. i don't know if im desparate, but hes not too bad. but not to my standard >.< and i have very high standards but im tired of having it bc i just find myself alone. why not give him a chance.no ones perfect, i can make exceptions right? but so many of my friends have said about their exs " i should have seen the signs" and i respond, " well now you know and watch out next time." but not im in the same position I see the signs but i want to ignore it. is he really worth it? i think im ignoring it bc i feel like its nothing serious we're just enjoying each others co and i think to myself once things dont suit me i have to promise myself to get out of it and not be like other girls and stick together and work it out bc i know you cant change a person. so should i be blinded by these first few signs and just go for it??? so complicated. but it does feel nice to like someone that i can like back and he makes me feel special. but at the same time i feel like i should pull back, i guess im just scared. i havent dated in 3 years after all, this is all new to me.
on the other hand, i wonder what would have happened if the one i invited over in the first place had come over. total different picture!

change

I want to challenge the idea of changing someone. Because everyone says its hard to change once you've been so accustomed to who you are. I am quite happy with who I am, but some things never change from when I was younger and that is me and relationships. I have grown some, but I still have the " my way or the highway" idea in relationships. OK! wtf am I talking about relationships when I'm not even in one??? So I've canceled on all the guys that are pursuing me, but there's this one and I don't know if he likes me but I also don't know if I should like him >.< oppa ="]And to think about it "why did i get mad???" Its the old me coming back >.< Anyway I do a lot for him, more than for other guys, I brought food to his work and I'm making him dinner this weekend(which he wanted to postpone) but get this, this is all a friendly matter... We are failing to mention if these are dates or anything.. so thats why I thought he liked me bc hes agreeing with it. But sometimes he does stupid things like ask his co worker to come along, I'm like uhh its suppose to be me and you! lol whatever I'm just being selfish, thats why I want to change that about myself! I really do like the me a few months ago, just ignoring guys. its so hard. I always jump in conclusion and think about it till my brains are fried! why can't I just go with the flow. Why do i have to like someone at this time. GOSH GUYS! WHAT CAN YOU DO!

long story short

its been a long time huh? LA is too crazy for me i'm not sure if i can handle it. i'm starting to feel overwhelmed. first of all, i've moved out of ktown and my new roommate is awesome i love the apt, i also got a part time job thats pretty chill. schools not as difficult as i thought, i drive back home almost every other week, I help out at this music label in LA, and i'm dating again. it just seems like i've got a lot going for me. NOT!
-i'm having a hard time making rent, my job has one too many rules, the music label is not seeing my work or giving me any good work either, driving back home to work at my 2nd job is really taking a toll on my body, and there are too many guys on my list which is such a distraction and i'm falling behind in school! FCUK!
-so after all the stress, lectures @ work, procrastinations, disappointments, and love triangles i've thought it all over and there are a few things i can elimnate to take the weight off my chest.
1. work less hours & focus on my studies
2. quit helping the music group bc they've got plenty of help and quit going back home to work my other job
3. cut out the boys, i was completely focused without them
4. stop shopping.

Love between myself

I've been out of a relationship for almost 3 years now. With many ups and downs, I've grown a lot and learned to love myself. But now there is someone else... The last time I had a bf I was younger 18-19, so the feelings were different. Its just butterflies and all the sweet stuff. So now that I'm older things might be different, but I can't differentiate. I'm not getting that strong feeling of my heart racing and curiosity of the the other person. I can't tell if I like them or not? I don't know if its because I LOVE MYSELF too much to make room for someone else. I am not making an effort for that other person, although I want to, but I am so confused inside I don't know what to do. "I want to go see him, but its such a hassle so forget it!" Or maybe I've been rejected the last few times, soI refuse to try and give this person a chance. That and I have such high standards always comparing to someone else in my heart... I really am going crazy...

The other reason is... HIM. the love of my life that's making me selfish. And I say crazy because I don't even know him personally, I just adore him from the one time I met him and all the times I've seen him from afar. I had made a promise that I will reserve myself for him, even if its just watching him from afar. But for the last 2 weeks I wanted to give up on him, and start out fresh. I wanted to bury him deep in my heart because it hurts too much to think about how much I love him, but can't be by his side. Maybe if I make room for someone else that pain will go away.

Pretty & Skinny

I've watched many kdramas/movies and read up on many Korean celebrities. And many of them make the typical girl so SAD. haha But if you think about it who would want to watch ugly fat people on the screen all the time. And celebs have the time and money to look good. Since I have the time and not the money I really want to work on myself, not be super skinny or anything, but to feel good about myself. To have confidence to take on the world. I've gained a good 20lbs since college and its taking a toll on my life. I don't want to go out all the time and socialize and if there is someone that might like me I won't let them get near me. Also, I have high standards and I want to live up to that, by at least looking HOT right?

So the deal is to lose at least 10 lbs and get lighter, I'm so tan from the beach right now?

Why the sudden change? Well, I've been trying to lose weight for the last 2 years, and uh.. yea... no.. I signed up to the gym twice, tried to stop eating, tried detox and diet bars, I even tried smoking which was the most successful, but I don't like how it makes me smell and yellow teeth with bad skin, so I quit after two week, which btw I'm very proud of =]. However theres something big coming up on Sept 7th. Almost like a dream come true, which I don't want to discuss right now or I might JINX myself >.<. But I want to look hot for this event, thinner and lighter. I have to get the spotlight back like I use to have 2 years ago. FIGHTING!

endless things to do

So I went back home after 5 days! ha yea I'm a little homesick. Now that I'm out of a job and school for a month, I felt like I had absolutely nothing to do! NOT! I currently do not like the place I'm staying at so I'm moving! I found a place via craig's list, some girl needs a roommate and she lives 5 mins. from school, so we met up everything seems to workout. A lot of STRESSFUL moments aka possible DRAMA! First I had to let my manager know I wanted to move out, but I couldn't find her so I left her a written notice, no reply. I was afraid she was mad and wouldn't give me back my deposit, she is Korean ya know. Also, this girl that has her apt for rent I don't even know her, so I was afraid she would rip me off and run off with my money. But she drew up some doc. and we're meeting up so I hope everything works out bc her place is much better than the closet I currently live in. Also, the JOB SEARCH is never ending. I'm terrified bc I applied to some jobs via Craig's list with my personal info like my name number and address, but no response. So I'm not doing that again. However, on the bright side, theres a restaurant hiring and told me to come in to apply I'm doing that when I leave back up to my dreadful closet. Also, my manager emailed me today saying she accepts my notice and not to worry about deposit! YEAY! I can sleep again. Now, I just need to worry about the next move in and a job. I hope I get this restaurant job unless something good pops up like working at the bank, but it sounds stressful so I might pass.
My other issue right now is MONEY, isn't it everyones issue now a days? I'm really running low, so I need a job asap. Also, I've been ripped off, I think. I ended up applying for Se7en fan club, but the money wiring is confusing. I wired money to their account, but my bank didn't put my name or anything. And since I applied and did the wire... Nothing... There goes $95. Also Tmobile is a b!tch! never sign up with them! I was told my contract ended in September so I was like ok that soon so I got a new phone (which I'm very happy with), and yesterday they told me March 2009! I was like what I have to pay 2 phones bills for 7 more months! I calculated that and the Tmobile bill is 252 and to cancel its 240. I canceled, why pay that much when I'm not going to use it. Gosh there goes $240 down the drain bc of my stupid moves. WAKE UP KO ARA!

Almost...

So I've been in LA for over 24 hours. Everything is ALMOST settled in. I've been very fortunate to get the room I originally wanted along with a parking spot I thought I wasn't going to get. There were some minor problems, like moving all of my sh!t to the 2nd floor and down two halls! I got the $630 room bc there were no more $580 rooms, but I get first dibs on the next one which is suppose to be in a month. Also, I was suppose to park across the street, but one of the tenants is on vacation so I took their spot, however, I might not have it if they decide to come back and keep it =[. Anyway after going to bed at 10PM my earliest bedtime ever, I woke up early and set out to find a job, the last thing I need. I drove into K Town since I live on the outskirts, its pretty busy there. Also it seems they only hire Koreans... I asked two cafes and the other stores don't seem to need help. So I rolled over to Macdonald's, bc the internet at my place are accepting computers like mine, I applied to some places via craig's list, I hope they call me back! After, my manager told me the $580 room is open and if I want it I have 1 hr to move. So here I go pack all my sh!t and move down two more hall ways. Quite a work out! I must admit the other room is better, much more roomier and quieter with a walk-in closet and the shower across the hall, here I live next to two guys and I'm at the top of the stairs so I hear anyone coming up. Also my light doesn't work and the bathroom is gross. But you get what you pay for. I am not getting home sick yet, but I definitely feel alone because I don't know anyone here. I don't know where to go when I leave the parking lot. There are so many stores and so much traffic sometimes I'm afraid to pull over. So far, I went to the 99 cent store two days in a row and got a lot of stuff for my room, especially food. I need to stop buying stuff because I don't know if I'll have money for next month >.< and till then the CRAZINESS continues. FIGHTING!