boyfriend

HAPPY DECEMBER! So much has been going on with me, it all seems like a dream! good and bad! lol I'm taking my final exams right now! crazzzzyyyy. Actually i was stressin all thanksgiving weekend and didn't do any work. lol. but it turns out to be easier than i thought. but i know i could do better. FIGHTING for next Quarter.
Anyways, so the reason is i have an official bf. and its the most unsure thing ever. Everything happened really fast and I don't know what to do, but at the same time I'm just going with the flow, which is what i use to always tell myself but I never follow through. but this time, yes. I think I've finally grown up. Or I am changed, hence a few blogs ago lol. So its the guy that came over to dinner the other night. I went on one date with him in early Oct and wasn't really feeling him. I thought he was weird and cocky. But he is the sweetest guy i know. hes definitely not the ideal guy, but hes pretty close. He treats me really well and expresses his feeling BETTER THAN ME! I don't know. Maybe I'm being shy bc its been a while. but I have a hard time telling me how I feel. I'm always quiet around him... And the way we turned out is just funny. I don't know exactly why I like him usually w other guys I usually can pinpoint why, like if we have thing sin common or something. but this time i just went the flow~ =] we've been hanging out a lot, i hope it won't be a fling. Hes such a gentlemen, he opens doors, takes me out, pays, says the cutest things and makes sure im comfortable. the only thing is he drinks and smokes a lot, but I'm hoping its a phase, if not.... NEXT lol. another thing i got down is don't try to change a person. I am being very chill with this relationship, maybe bc i have a lot of trust, but we'll see...

signs

so i find myself getting into a relationship. i dont know if im getting ahead of myself. but its so funny how things turned out. i know i shouldnt be in a relationship but i thought i had like someone, and i had made dinner and he didn't show up so i invited someone over. and then this someone and i were together the next day and he seems very sweet and cute. i don't know if im desparate, but hes not too bad. but not to my standard >.< and i have very high standards but im tired of having it bc i just find myself alone. why not give him a chance.no ones perfect, i can make exceptions right? but so many of my friends have said about their exs " i should have seen the signs" and i respond, " well now you know and watch out next time." but not im in the same position I see the signs but i want to ignore it. is he really worth it? i think im ignoring it bc i feel like its nothing serious we're just enjoying each others co and i think to myself once things dont suit me i have to promise myself to get out of it and not be like other girls and stick together and work it out bc i know you cant change a person. so should i be blinded by these first few signs and just go for it??? so complicated. but it does feel nice to like someone that i can like back and he makes me feel special. but at the same time i feel like i should pull back, i guess im just scared. i havent dated in 3 years after all, this is all new to me.
on the other hand, i wonder what would have happened if the one i invited over in the first place had come over. total different picture!

change

I want to challenge the idea of changing someone. Because everyone says its hard to change once you've been so accustomed to who you are. I am quite happy with who I am, but some things never change from when I was younger and that is me and relationships. I have grown some, but I still have the " my way or the highway" idea in relationships. OK! wtf am I talking about relationships when I'm not even in one??? So I've canceled on all the guys that are pursuing me, but there's this one and I don't know if he likes me but I also don't know if I should like him >.< oppa ="]And to think about it "why did i get mad???" Its the old me coming back >.< Anyway I do a lot for him, more than for other guys, I brought food to his work and I'm making him dinner this weekend(which he wanted to postpone) but get this, this is all a friendly matter... We are failing to mention if these are dates or anything.. so thats why I thought he liked me bc hes agreeing with it. But sometimes he does stupid things like ask his co worker to come along, I'm like uhh its suppose to be me and you! lol whatever I'm just being selfish, thats why I want to change that about myself! I really do like the me a few months ago, just ignoring guys. its so hard. I always jump in conclusion and think about it till my brains are fried! why can't I just go with the flow. Why do i have to like someone at this time. GOSH GUYS! WHAT CAN YOU DO!

long story short

its been a long time huh? LA is too crazy for me i'm not sure if i can handle it. i'm starting to feel overwhelmed. first of all, i've moved out of ktown and my new roommate is awesome i love the apt, i also got a part time job thats pretty chill. schools not as difficult as i thought, i drive back home almost every other week, I help out at this music label in LA, and i'm dating again. it just seems like i've got a lot going for me. NOT!
-i'm having a hard time making rent, my job has one too many rules, the music label is not seeing my work or giving me any good work either, driving back home to work at my 2nd job is really taking a toll on my body, and there are too many guys on my list which is such a distraction and i'm falling behind in school! FCUK!
-so after all the stress, lectures @ work, procrastinations, disappointments, and love triangles i've thought it all over and there are a few things i can elimnate to take the weight off my chest.
1. work less hours & focus on my studies
2. quit helping the music group bc they've got plenty of help and quit going back home to work my other job
3. cut out the boys, i was completely focused without them
4. stop shopping.

Love between myself

I've been out of a relationship for almost 3 years now. With many ups and downs, I've grown a lot and learned to love myself. But now there is someone else... The last time I had a bf I was younger 18-19, so the feelings were different. Its just butterflies and all the sweet stuff. So now that I'm older things might be different, but I can't differentiate. I'm not getting that strong feeling of my heart racing and curiosity of the the other person. I can't tell if I like them or not? I don't know if its because I LOVE MYSELF too much to make room for someone else. I am not making an effort for that other person, although I want to, but I am so confused inside I don't know what to do. "I want to go see him, but its such a hassle so forget it!" Or maybe I've been rejected the last few times, soI refuse to try and give this person a chance. That and I have such high standards always comparing to someone else in my heart... I really am going crazy...

The other reason is... HIM. the love of my life that's making me selfish. And I say crazy because I don't even know him personally, I just adore him from the one time I met him and all the times I've seen him from afar. I had made a promise that I will reserve myself for him, even if its just watching him from afar. But for the last 2 weeks I wanted to give up on him, and start out fresh. I wanted to bury him deep in my heart because it hurts too much to think about how much I love him, but can't be by his side. Maybe if I make room for someone else that pain will go away.

Pretty & Skinny

I've watched many kdramas/movies and read up on many Korean celebrities. And many of them make the typical girl so SAD. haha But if you think about it who would want to watch ugly fat people on the screen all the time. And celebs have the time and money to look good. Since I have the time and not the money I really want to work on myself, not be super skinny or anything, but to feel good about myself. To have confidence to take on the world. I've gained a good 20lbs since college and its taking a toll on my life. I don't want to go out all the time and socialize and if there is someone that might like me I won't let them get near me. Also, I have high standards and I want to live up to that, by at least looking HOT right?

So the deal is to lose at least 10 lbs and get lighter, I'm so tan from the beach right now?

Why the sudden change? Well, I've been trying to lose weight for the last 2 years, and uh.. yea... no.. I signed up to the gym twice, tried to stop eating, tried detox and diet bars, I even tried smoking which was the most successful, but I don't like how it makes me smell and yellow teeth with bad skin, so I quit after two week, which btw I'm very proud of =]. However theres something big coming up on Sept 7th. Almost like a dream come true, which I don't want to discuss right now or I might JINX myself >.<. But I want to look hot for this event, thinner and lighter. I have to get the spotlight back like I use to have 2 years ago. FIGHTING!

endless things to do

So I went back home after 5 days! ha yea I'm a little homesick. Now that I'm out of a job and school for a month, I felt like I had absolutely nothing to do! NOT! I currently do not like the place I'm staying at so I'm moving! I found a place via craig's list, some girl needs a roommate and she lives 5 mins. from school, so we met up everything seems to workout. A lot of STRESSFUL moments aka possible DRAMA! First I had to let my manager know I wanted to move out, but I couldn't find her so I left her a written notice, no reply. I was afraid she was mad and wouldn't give me back my deposit, she is Korean ya know. Also, this girl that has her apt for rent I don't even know her, so I was afraid she would rip me off and run off with my money. But she drew up some doc. and we're meeting up so I hope everything works out bc her place is much better than the closet I currently live in. Also, the JOB SEARCH is never ending. I'm terrified bc I applied to some jobs via Craig's list with my personal info like my name number and address, but no response. So I'm not doing that again. However, on the bright side, theres a restaurant hiring and told me to come in to apply I'm doing that when I leave back up to my dreadful closet. Also, my manager emailed me today saying she accepts my notice and not to worry about deposit! YEAY! I can sleep again. Now, I just need to worry about the next move in and a job. I hope I get this restaurant job unless something good pops up like working at the bank, but it sounds stressful so I might pass.
My other issue right now is MONEY, isn't it everyones issue now a days? I'm really running low, so I need a job asap. Also, I've been ripped off, I think. I ended up applying for Se7en fan club, but the money wiring is confusing. I wired money to their account, but my bank didn't put my name or anything. And since I applied and did the wire... Nothing... There goes $95. Also Tmobile is a b!tch! never sign up with them! I was told my contract ended in September so I was like ok that soon so I got a new phone (which I'm very happy with), and yesterday they told me March 2009! I was like what I have to pay 2 phones bills for 7 more months! I calculated that and the Tmobile bill is 252 and to cancel its 240. I canceled, why pay that much when I'm not going to use it. Gosh there goes $240 down the drain bc of my stupid moves. WAKE UP KO ARA!

Almost...

So I've been in LA for over 24 hours. Everything is ALMOST settled in. I've been very fortunate to get the room I originally wanted along with a parking spot I thought I wasn't going to get. There were some minor problems, like moving all of my sh!t to the 2nd floor and down two halls! I got the $630 room bc there were no more $580 rooms, but I get first dibs on the next one which is suppose to be in a month. Also, I was suppose to park across the street, but one of the tenants is on vacation so I took their spot, however, I might not have it if they decide to come back and keep it =[. Anyway after going to bed at 10PM my earliest bedtime ever, I woke up early and set out to find a job, the last thing I need. I drove into K Town since I live on the outskirts, its pretty busy there. Also it seems they only hire Koreans... I asked two cafes and the other stores don't seem to need help. So I rolled over to Macdonald's, bc the internet at my place are accepting computers like mine, I applied to some places via craig's list, I hope they call me back! After, my manager told me the $580 room is open and if I want it I have 1 hr to move. So here I go pack all my sh!t and move down two more hall ways. Quite a work out! I must admit the other room is better, much more roomier and quieter with a walk-in closet and the shower across the hall, here I live next to two guys and I'm at the top of the stairs so I hear anyone coming up. Also my light doesn't work and the bathroom is gross. But you get what you pay for. I am not getting home sick yet, but I definitely feel alone because I don't know anyone here. I don't know where to go when I leave the parking lot. There are so many stores and so much traffic sometimes I'm afraid to pull over. So far, I went to the 99 cent store two days in a row and got a lot of stuff for my room, especially food. I need to stop buying stuff because I don't know if I'll have money for next month >.< and till then the CRAZINESS continues. FIGHTING!

Whats to happen in the next few days!

The big MOVE is in about 4 days!

-The last few days of work are so dreadful! I am so over this part time job that became full time with unpaid overtime, and the strangest manager that took over! YEAY FREEDOM!

-I am itching for change right now! There is so much to do before I leave, I don't know where to start(thank goodness for my Se7en planner, so I can jot everything down). I am definitely scared of whats to be Sunday afternoon when I wave by to parents & poodle & the 2 houre drive to KTOWN! I will be alone in this big big world. Honestly, I don't know anyone in LA, well anyone near the area I'm living, um where to start to look for a job with LA traffic and parking meters that are always taken! And school, orientation is 2 days after my move... SIGH. It will be quite an adventure. WISH ME LUCK!

-Speaking of luck, that is what Se7en wrote on my poster when he autographed it. I hope I will get it. Maybe its already in the process because I feel so blessed, that I''ve passed my English class I needed to transfer and my parents are helping me out more that I expected. I AM SO GRATEFUL right now. So I shouldn't be worried about anything else, but keep FIGHTING! Keep that luck rolling!

-So Se7en's annual membership sign-up is going on right now and its only till August 17th, but the membership is $95 and all iI get is news emails, a membership card, and behind the scenes footage of Se7en. Is it worth it? ehh... I know I love him, but... OH ALL THE THINGS I DO FOR HIM! I need to go to the bank and make the transfer before I leave. I will really regret it if I don't sign up. haha YEA I AM A DIE-HEART FAN!

I LOVE SE7EN

$$$

YES! One problem down! 10 more to go! I got money for SCHOOL! that was the big bump in the road. 2 weeks till the big move! things are looking up, I finished my final the other day! *cross fingers*.... Gosh, I've been getting money left and right from just random things. but I went shopping today =[. its ok! K0 ara FIGHTING! Ok now don't be those greedy bad guys in dramas and spend it all away and live in poverty! >.<


-Speaking of dramas: I'm on the last episode of Absolute Boyfriend, a '08 Japanese drama. Its pretty good, given it's my first Japanese drama. I feel bad for the robot... What will become of him??? Its so.... when he can be robbed of his memories with a click of a button. This movie is cute, if you like cute, I recommend.

Miss. Independent

I've been practicing Miss. Independent for almost 3 years now. I definitely love it and hate it! It causes too much pride in me. After a breakup with a long term boyfriend, a rebound after and failure there after, I have given up on men. Now I have this pride thing where I won't throw myelf at a guy that I like, I don't even play hard to get. I just let it go, "Eh, nothing is going to happen." I don't even let myself like a guy. The last several guys that I thought were eligible boyfriends just left me hanging. And now I'm just a girl that doesn't need anyone. Well, many say I'm aggressive, assertive, independent, but deep down I am a woman after all. It is nice to have someone to spend some down time with, someone that goes out of their way to make you smile. I think I've missed many chances of all the nice guys I've met, but I am just not ready. I don't even want to test the waters. My excuse is, I don't have time, there is too much sh!t going on in my life to make room for someone else. Also I love spending all my time and money on myself. But sometimes making room for that someone will make the sh!t go away. Maybe I'm watching too much drama and only dream of that perfect encounter with the perfect person to lead that most romantic relationship. I watched this one drama about a girl that was labeled a "sticky note girl," a girl who is plain and works hard, and everyone just takes advantage of her and always forgetting to care about her. But she believed that through working hard one day she will get noticed(meeting her prince). Maybe I'm not working hard enough, I'm definitely not plain. However, sometimes I do feel that I'm not ready for a guy, I feel I don't deserve a guy, but I am in the process of making myself someone to be adored and loved "고 아라 화이팅!". I feel like this miss independent thing is like a marathon, I just keep running, but when I'm tired who is going to catch me when I fall.

Friends

Friend as defined on dicitionary.com:

"1.	a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.	a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.

3.	a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile"

I've been having a hard time finding good loyal friends. Or maybe I'm just expecting too much and then I just get disappointed in the end. When asked for help there is no one there. When I'm at the very very bottom of it all feeling like s!ht! No one picks up their phone. What have I done wrong to deserve this. Friends will be who they are, you can't control them. All I know is there is no one to help you but yourself, must be strong and handle things yourself. At least I have recently met some helpful people, but those that I've been with for years and though they were good friends that would help me when in need, however they definitely are not in the book, and since I'm moving now, I guess thats the end of us. We had dinner today, I was surprised they showed up and even paid after all the years of me paying. It was our last farewell, but I don't think they knew it. It was just a wave, "see you later." and got into our cars. All the times they took advantage of me, and when I needed their help the most they don't even show up, we did have some good times. So thank you for being part of my life and good luck with everything you do in life. FAREWELL

too much shhhiiii.....

Sometimes I feel like my life is so Korean drama, minus the rich boy falls in loves with poor girl. Anyway, I've officially hit rock bottom. I rarely cry, I cried myself to sleep last night and I teared up like 5 times today. I HATE CRYING! And there is no one or anything to BLAME, but MYSELF! Sometimes my parents make me out to be the worst kid ever, when I'm not even half as bad as the kids I know. ANYWAY

-Rock bottom: I Finally found a goal I want to fulfill in life. And I want it now! the PASSION I tell you! the PASSION! But I'm dead broke and mommy and daddy wont help me. And its my fault because I've been floundering around in college for 4 years wasting their money, so they tell me I don't deserve the $. And my $12 an hr job has nothing to show for, beside my LV, Gucci, Coach, and Nordstroms clothes. When I was trying to save money, I got into a car accident which set me back over a $1,000. Plus many trips to LA. Also, I currently don't have health insurance, and I have cancer! Well, signs of cancer and I can't go do a check-up because I don't have insurance! yeay!
-the DRAMA part: I'm a poor girl, with kind sorta cancer, and I'm always depress and crying, and theres no BOY to my rescue. And theres a back stabbing b!tch at work that's messing with my hrs at work!!! FCUK!
-HOWEVER! I need to get over it! Get my act together if I have the "PASSION!" And technically I'm not a poor poor girl. I'm a poor girl trying to act RICH! That's it the LV is going up for sale!

-Theres so much I'm anticipating for, I can't sleep at night. Like my grades, the last class I need to get into Cal State. My bank account/possible loans. Skimping on everything (I stopped buying text books and parking permits I just park and walk) Ways to make money. My future. Pleasing my parents. When should I go see the Dr. And what is going to happen in the next 3.5 weeks and then the final MOVE! >.<>

-고 아라 화이팅!

3.5

~I TRANSFERRED FROM ANOTHER BLOG SO THIS IS A POSTING FROM JULY 6TH 2:37AM~

After being stuck in my hometown all my life, I'm finally going somewhere. I finally found an interest that is setting my career path, and I hope I'm approaching it the right way, if there is a right way. The interest is Korean, sometimes I doubt myself, am I really passionate? Many people I know that are interested in the Korean Culture and Lifestyle seem to be more dedicated. Either way I love it and I'm dying to learn more each and everyday. BUT! I don't have many Korean friends and access to Korean information because its hard to find free time when I'm not tired. I learn most of my Korean stuff from dramas, movies, music, blogs, and the internet of course and the few books I have. But as I say to myself everyday 화이팅! Just when everyone is doubting me I hope to fight to the top. Well, to a stable career path and a happy life (to me debt free with my own place). So I'm moving to Ktown LA in 3.5 weeks! And I am BROKE! No, I'm not in debt I just barely have money, as in a don't know what month 2 of Ktown is going to look like. I guess I'll have to go into DEBT. >.<

Why the move? I'm going to school there and Ktown is not a bad place to live since I can't goto Seoul right now, and its close to school. Hopefully I'll survive LA, traffic/ghetto/ being a girl by herself. I've made a few friends here and there, but none in the Ktown/downtown LA area just a lot of people I meet at the clubs bc of my job here @ my hometown hopefully I can secure a spot in LA then thats one job down. Anyway, as of now everything is up in the air! All I know is I have a place in Ktown but for how long??? Anyway going to school Asian Studies Major Emphasis in Korean(no prior learning except teaching myself) and LOOKING FOR A JOB! Full time or part time as long as I can make rent which is $625. Why all the trouble? one word. Se7en.